And What God Is Actually After

Most people do not come to counseling or coaching because they have never tried to implement behavior changes.
They come because they are exhausted from trying.

They have made plans, set goals, downloaded apps, created routines, and promised themselves, “This time will be different.” For a while, it is. Then something happens. Life gets heavy. Emotions rise. Motivation fades. Old patterns return.

• Avoidance shows up again. Overwhelm takes over. Discouragement settles in.
• And the quiet conclusion forms: Something must be wrong with me.

But what if the problem is not a lack of discipline, clarity, or effort?

What if the problem is that you have been aiming at the wrong target all along?

We Keep Treating the Fruit Instead of the Root

Luke 6:43–45 (ESV)

“For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”

When something in our lives is not working, we naturally focus on what we can see. We notice behaviors we do not like. We see habits that frustrate us. We identify patterns that keep repeating.

So we aim there.

We try to speak differently. We try to manage our time better. We try to be more consistent, more intentional, more disciplined. And when those efforts fail, we assume we need better tools or stronger resolve.

But Scripture tells a different story.

• Our behaviors are not the problem. They are the evidence.
• They are the fruit, not the root.
• Fruit tells the truth about the tree, but fruit cannot heal it.

Lasting change does not come from managing what shows up on the surface. It comes from addressing what is happening underneath.

The Heart Is the Control Center

When the Bible talks about the heart, it is not referring to emotions alone. The heart is the inner control center of your life. It includes your desires, motivations, fears, values, beliefs, and hopes.

In other words, the heart is where you decide what matters most.

Every choice you make flows out of what your heart is trusting, protecting, or pursuing in that moment. That is why two people can experience the same situation and respond in completely different ways. The situation does not determine the response. The heart interprets it.

This is also why behavior change rarely lasts on its own.

You can modify actions for a season. You can apply pressure, incentives, accountability, or fear. But if the heart has not changed what it is living for, it will eventually return to what feels safest and most familiar.

Not because you are stubborn or broken, but because the heart always moves toward what it believes will give life.

Why Surface-Level Change (Behavior Changes) Feels So Exhausting

Proverbs 4:23 (ESV)

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”

Many people are quietly worn out because they have been trying to change without understanding what their heart is actually after.

They say things like:

• “I just need to be more consistent.”
• “I need to stop procrastinating.”
• “I need to get my life together.”
• “I need to stop avoiding hard things.”

But beneath those statements is often something deeper:

• A fear of failure
• A fear of exposure
• A fear of disappointing others
• A fear of losing control
• A fear of facing pain or uncertainty

So the heart finds a way to cope.

Avoidance becomes protection. Overwhelm becomes a reason to stop. Busyness becomes a hiding place. Distraction becomes relief. Control becomes safety.

These patterns may not be healthy, but they are not random. They are doing a job for the heart.

Until you understand what job a pattern is doing, you will keep trying to remove it without replacing what the heart is relying on.

And that never works for long.

Why God Always Goes After the Heart First

Matthew 23:25–26 (ESV)

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean.”

One of the most uncomfortable truths in Scripture is that God does not start with behavior changes. He starts with worship.

That does not mean we are bowing down to statues or consciously rejecting Him. It means that our hearts quietly attach ultimate importance to things that promise peace, control, comfort, approval, or security.

These things may not be sinful in themselves. Many of them are good. But when they become necessary for us to be okay, they begin to rule us.

And whatever rules the heart will shape how we live.

This is why God is not satisfied with surface-level improvement. He knows that external compliance without internal transformation leaves us enslaved to the same patterns, just dressed up differently.

God is not trying to make you more impressive. He is trying to make you more free.

Why You Keep Returning to the Same Patterns

Ezekiel 14:3 (ESV)

“Son of man, these men have taken their idols into their hearts…”

If you have ever wondered why the same struggles keep resurfacing under different circumstances, the answer is not that you have not learned enough.

It is that the heart has not changed what it trusts.

When life is calm, it is easier to behave well. When pressure comes, the heart reaches for what it has always relied on. That is when patterns reappear.

This is not failure. It is revelation.

Pressure does not create new problems. It reveals old loyalties.

And God, in His mercy, allows those moments not to shame us, but to show us where our trust needs to be redirected.

What Real Change Actually Requires

Real change begins when we stop asking only, “How do I fix this?”
And start asking, “What is my heart living for right now?”

It begins when we are willing to slow down and listen to our reactions instead of immediately trying to correct them. When we see patterns not as enemies to destroy, but as signals to interpret.

It requires honesty, humility, and patience.

And it requires grace.

Because once you begin to see what your heart has been trusting instead of God, the goal is not to punish yourself or try harder. The goal is to return. To reorient. To surrender control you were never meant to carry.

God does not expose the heart to condemn it. He exposes it to reclaim it.

A Gentle Invitation

James 1:14–15 (ESV)

“But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”

If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or discouraged by repeated failure, let me encourage you with this:

• You are not beyond change.
• You are not uniquely broken.
• And you are not failing because you lack effort.

You may simply be trying to change the fruit (behavior changes) while God is inviting you to tend the root.

And that invitation is not harsh. It is hopeful.

Because when the heart begins to trust differently, life begins to move differently.

Not overnight. Not perfectly. But genuinely.

And that kind of change lasts.